"Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is." - Marianne Williamson
One more day to go!
I had a moment of panic night as I lay down to go to sleep: Oh no! I didn't do my forgiveness work for today. Then I remembered that earlier in the day I had forgiven somebody on the fly, in the moment, as soon as my annoyance came up, and I decided to count that.
Because that's the idea isn't it? To get so in the habit of forgiveness that we can forgive IN THE MOMENT before we need to yell or stuff or walk away. I was quite pleased that I was able to do this on Day 28, after twenty-seven days of practice.
Of course there were a lot of things I didn't forgive in the moment yesterday too:
- The three men who got in my swimming lane just after I did and lapped me multiple times during my workout (so annoying!)
- My son's teacher for not putting any positive comments on his most recent essay even after I told her he found her comments to be too negative and disheartening
- My dog, who thinks she is a person and refuses to eat dog food.....
- And myself, for still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up.
Before the holidays and Christmas break and my mother-in-law's car accident I was in a groove, I had a plan (30 Days of Forgiveness, more writing classes, a publicity plan for my Akashic Records readings), I knew what I wanted to do next and now it all seems so hard and far away.
I hate this feeling. It sits in my chest and aches as I get up and get the kids off to school and then when they are gone it overwhelms me and I don't end up doing the things I want to do for myself. I do some laundry, or go shopping, or watch some bad TV instead and at the end of the day I am left with even more of that feeling.
This is my darkness. This indecision, this overwhelm, this ache.
I guess what it is telling me is that I don't really know myself yet, I haven't really forgiven myself yet, I don't really love myself yet. In other words, I still have work to do.
And for me, that's one of the gifts that has come out of this 30 Days of Forgiveness - knowing that this is just a start, that I still have work to do, and knowing - a little bit more clearly - just exactly what that work is.
What gifts have you gained from your forgiveness work? I would love to hear your stories.